If you are thinking about the song by The Pixies… mission accomplished.
If not, I have failed at a writing a captive title once again. Now I’m motivated to create a list of possible alternative titles that reflect my current mood:
1.” This is not a book review because I can’t be ARSED”.
2. “Who remembers what sex felt like anyway?”
3. “Go to sleep moron, you still have work tomorrow”
4. “Never ever will I complain about going out on a school night, dating, pubs, clubs, events or other people again (unless said people are wankers)”
But I digress. Where is my mind is the winner and this post is actually intended to be about the impact of coronavirus on my mind.
When I’m thinking about the impact on my mind, I’m considering several factors because there isn’t just part of my mind affected and not all of it is negative, there are some positive aspects I want to write about too. These are also creatively titled because it appears that’s what I’d like to practice right now. Here we go:
I have learnt that my attention span is a little more limited than I previously thought. How many times during a working day do I normally need to get up and walk around aimlessly, check the fridge frequently or call people for no reason other than to talk…about nothing? The impact on my ability to focus is not just when it comes to work. I can’t sit through movies or tv shows as much as I would like right now and reading?? ….forget it. I was excited at the possibility of having more time to read, but the focus is just not there folks. Even writing this post I have been distracted by several texts, Facebook and thinking about whether to get a snack or alcohol. I’m also quite tired and I want to sleep but I am fearful that if I stop now this post will remain incomplete and unpublished.
Mad and Bad
I have an example of this right now actually. The madness hits when I contemplate whether it is acceptable to have a glass of red wine with my late night ‘snack’ of porridge. Porridge because I have nothing else to eat in the house and I’m preparing for an extremely low calorie diet to begin later in the week. Because health matters. Madness also strikes when I’m feisty beyond belief at.absolutely.nothing. You wanna fight me? Huh? Huh?
Badness is me wanting to break the iso rules for a night of passion with a dog walker who previously didn’t want me and now thinks its perfectly ok to hook up. I’ve had an influx of offers from various people, actually. Flattering and infuriating. Badness is also when I think about all the extreme risk taking behaviours I’m going to have when isolation ends and I am free to go wherever, whenever, with whoever I choose (the possibilities are dangerous). It’s important to note that the madness and badness fluctuate and leave me in a state of what I also like to call “antzy pants”, which is boredom bordering on unrest.
It’s not all bad news. During this period I have, completed some small renovations in my house, am undertaking an online course from YALE (yes, YALE), have sent away my DNA to be explored *results pending* whilst completing my family tree, I’m painting a paint by numbers picture of my dog and I have a new home office set up in my spare room.
I’m restless, a tiny bit anxious and just plain bored. So, to counteract all of this, I have had to be creative with my pursuits and try to put my energy into some things I’ve always wanted to do (DNA, family tree). My next endeavour will be online speed dating… stay tuned. I have participated in the in person kind of speed dating – which resulted in a couple of dates, but nothing that knocked my socks off. I’m also want to blog and read more….I have a plan about this but it will have to wait for another post because this one has taken on a life of its own and is far too long winded right now.
The bitch, Loneliness
I keep waiting for the day when loneliness and I will be friends. It has not arrived. I have always spent much of my existence on my own. So nothing has changed you could argue. I guess I’m a little sick of having no one here physically, to look at, to talk to or hug. As wonderful a companion my dog is, sometimes I want that human affection and attention. Over the phone is nice, but it’s not the same. I think we can all agree on that right now.
Oh to be grateful for my friends and family. I have never wanted human connection more and as a self confessed loner, I feel I am more than qualified to make that assessment. I am grateful for the small things. Who knew the Saturday/Sunday coffees or brunch with mum or friends would be missed so much? Or the Friday night drinks in the city that I turned down after work I would be craving right now? and the dates! oh my god, the dates I have turned down, not been bothered, not felt good enough, confident enough…blaahhhhhhhhhhh. What I would give even for a bad date now. The chance to meet someone where no one knows where it will go…the nervousness, the excitement, the possibility.
I appreciate everything I have right now. Myself (as frustrating as I can be), my beautiful house, my gorgeous, amazing dog. The friends and family who listen to me and talk to me daily, weekly or whenever they can. My health – my body that can move and think and live and repair itself. My work that allows me to continue working, earning a living and growing. My resilience. There is a lot to be grateful for right now.
I’m going to end on that note because this post has, in fact taken me several nights to write and I’d like to finish it and move onto the next, which will be even more enlightening, I promise (but probs still not a book review). Whatever the impact coronavirus is having on your life, mind or current circumstances, we are moving forward – but know that it’s ok to feel what you feel, think what you think and go a little crazy sometimes. 😉